the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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