apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
