So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
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