My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
