Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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