you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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