I saw his package. It spoke to me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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