my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
someone owes me an orgasm
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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