I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
