I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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