Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
