she was so not down for the gang bang
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
