I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
