just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Alive.
So much puke
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
