I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He called his prostate his "boner button".
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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