I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
