even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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