you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
