He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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