That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
