I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
