Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize