Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
