why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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