we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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