yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The cops high fived after they tackled you
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
