I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize