I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize