he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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