I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
