i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
