Can Purell be used as lube?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
