fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
