What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
