how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize