I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
