why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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