So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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