he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize