I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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