she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize