I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
