i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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