it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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