I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Drake has all the answers
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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