Dude my mom stole all your condoms
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
