wrigley field is MILF paradise
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize