textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
