so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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