We won't sleep together?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
