If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
