I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
