im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
