I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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