barbara walters just said penis...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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