do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize