I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
