Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
