my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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