Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
