I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
