So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
