I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
