i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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