She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
you inspire me to be a worse person
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
