we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
